What is Spoken is Really Important

I struggle with the love of God, and I'm seriously ashamed of this.  Rejection is a thorn in my flesh that breaks me and keeps me from really knowing the God of the Bible.  My heart and my mind want to be free of this so badly.  It scares me and makes me feel so alone.  I want to be very close to Jesus, truly trusting Him with everything and living the free, joyful, and peaceful life that He got me by dying on the cross.  Most days, I just want to go home so that I quit messing up again.  This morning, while doing a wonderful Bible study on the armor of God (Priscilla Shirer- seriously, it is great, and you should do it), a question was asked, and my answer hit me like a ton of bricks.  The question was to list how what other people have said to me in my life time have contradicted the truth of God's Word.  These were my answers.
1.  I'm not special or different.
2.  Anyone can do what I do.
3.  If I want someone to love me, I have to do something to earn their love.

That last one smacked me in my spirit.  I can't shake this feeling that I need to earn Christ's love.  I know I''m wrong.  I can't earn Christ's love.  He gave it to me while I was a sinner, not even a believer.  I can't earn His salvation.  I can't earn His grace.  I can't earn anything.  I can rest.  Well, by faith, I can rest.  Right now, I can't rest because I.... can't.  You know, that last answer to the question is so wrong.  Actually, all of those answers that I have had spoken over me by hurting people are wrong.  Have you ever read Psalm 139: 1-6?  Well, here, let me copy and paste it for you:

¹ You have searched me, Lord, and You know me.
² You know when I sit and when I rise; You perceive my thoughts from afar.
³ You discern my going out and my lying down; You are familiar with all my ways.
⁴ Before a word is on my tongue You, Lord, know it completely.
⁵ You hem me in behind and before,and You lay Your hand upon me.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,too lofty for me to attain.

If you keep reading this Psalm, you will read that each and evryone of us is fearfully and wonderfully made.  Here, I'll just copy and paste that too:

 

¹³ For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from You when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be.
¹⁷ How precious to me are Your thoughts, God!  How vast is the sum of them!
¹⁸ Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand— when I awake, I am still with You.

Yeah, that is the truth of God's Word.  God, our Creator, said all this truth over us. I want to believe in the Lord's love.  I want to have POOF moment when all my insecurity is gone; when I no longer question God or His Word.  It looks like that isn't going to happen, even with something as big (or in my eyes, as big) as this pain.  What does the Lord God want me to do?  Here is to more copy and pasting:

Proverbs 3: 5-6-Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight.

2 Corinthians 10: 4-5-For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds,  casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ^.

 

^{Well, those are a few things that God wants me to do.  Trust, lean not on what I understand, submit, cast down lies, mine or others, and bring my thoughts into captive obedience to Christ.  God has told me since my heart attack that His grace is sufficient and His strength is made perfect in my weakness.  Even the weakness of my mind, which, by the way, I have the mind of Christ.  I'm just building my spirit up here while I blog away.  Another thing, however, is being careful what I say to my children.  I have had to ask forgiveness quite a bit.  Well, I'm off and running and looking forward to the power of God flowing through me.  Jesus is my Lord.  I hope He is your too.  Have a great week.}